Today would have been my late mum’s birthday. I know some of you reading this knew her, or know of her passing but for those that didn’t please do not worry. I know you mean well with your sympathy, but before you head to the comment section please know it isn’t necessary. She passed when I was in my mid teens, so I’ve had a lot of time to deal with it.
I like marking special days, I guess I got that from her. She used to love planning birthdays and doing themed activities for holidays that others probably over-looked. One birthday (I believe the last birthday) she planned for me was an Hawaiian themed party with my friends. I remember her bringing out an upside-down pineapple cake that she baked and flip-flop keyrings she put in the party bags that my friends for some reason really loved! Yes, I still gave out party bags to my guests when I turned 15! After-all, party bags are one of the best parts of a party!
I like remembering her on her birthday. I see birthdays as a day to celebrate that you have that person in your life. Even though my mum isn’t here she still to this day impacts my life. While I might not be able to celebrate with her in the conventional way, I’d like to mark the day by writing what I’d say to her if I could contact her at the other side.
1. Thank you for my siblings. I know we didn’t and sometime now don’t always get on but they are my best friends. I share so much with L, I can go to her about pretty much anything and she will be there for me. She has supported me in so many different ways and makes me laugh, like really makes me laugh. When we are both in good moods and spend time together I feel truly happy and at ease. J is the kindest and good-est egg, you would be so proud of him. I feel so me when I am with him and we have some brilliant memories together. I love them both unconditionally and I’m so grateful that I have them.
2. Thank you for spending so much time with J before you passed. I never felt jealous of him but I did spitefully think you favourited him, and how could you not? He was the sweetest and cutest little boy with curly hair. He remembers you and remembers that you let him help you paint his bedroom walls green. I have 15 years worth of memories of you, he only has 5. If I could give him my years with you I would.
3. I almost forgive you. There are things you had to do, mistakes that you made and choice you could not foresee the outcome of. I understand now that you were only human, a young women with two children. I know now that you were doing what you thought was best and what you thought was in mine and L’s best interest. I’m not sure if or when I can fully accept the past, but I am trying.
4. I’ve got a degree in art! But now I’m training to be a counsellor. I don’t know if you ever had thoughts about who I’d be as I got older or what I’d do with my life. I know before you passed I had said I wanted to be a fashion designer…. I can see now how ludicrous that thought is but you never tried to change my mind or push me into something you thought was more ‘me’. I remember you saying you didn’t care what I did as long as I was happy. I gave up on the idea of being a fashion designer when you passed and that’s when I found out what a counsellor was. At first I thought I wanted to be an artist, I wanted to follow your dream and I started at the college that you went to to study art. Though since your death I have been surrounded by signs to do with counselling and mental health, it took me some time to notice them but now I know my true passion lies with mental health.
5. I’m sorry I didn’t say goodbye. The last time I saw you was when I was about to travel 3 hours away from you and I don’t remember if I gave you a hug and a kiss goodbye. I think that I didn’t as I remember thinking that it won’t be long till I am back with you and I would be able to give you a hug then. I regret not giving you a hug and a kiss goodbye and I couldn’t bring myself to say goodbye to you when I saw you in the hospital chapel, it was too hard to see you in that way after knowing you to be so lively.
Thank you for reading to the end. This post was a lot more emotional and valuable than I expected it to be but I want to be real and honest. Death, as much as we don’t want to admit is a common thing. I hope that this post brings comfort to anyone who might be going through a loss or to those that knew my mum and wanted to read something about her. Whatever your reason for reading I hope that I haven’t made you sad, and I hope you enjoy this very cheesy grin from my mum to brighten your day! Vx